Couples Counseling: A Healing Place for Individual Trauma
I often hear some version of this common myth from people when couples therapy comes up: “If my marriage/relationship isn’t in crisis or even struggling why should I consider couples counseling?” As a therapist who specializes in couples counseling, I tell new and prospective clients that couples don’t need to be in crisis in order to see major shifts in their relationship. In fact, I would argue that some of the most successful couples in my office are those whose love, respect and admiration for each other is still present and they want to make real changes, even if they are struggling in areas of communication, parenting, intimacy, life’s changes, etc. By the way, these are some of the most common reasons why couples seek therapy. That being said, I also see plenty of couples who are struggling with addictions, infidelity or other major breaches of trust. My job as their therapist is to help them see how their behaviors impact the whole — then how shifting those patterns can positively impact their relationship. In order to to do this, we often have to uncover what is at the core of their frustrations, pain, unmet needs and many times attachment wounds and/or trauma. So what does that mean exactly?
We often think trauma informed therapy is something we only do individually — yet I have found that couples therapy can be a profound place to heal past trauma and attachment wounds. As human beings, we do not move about this world individually—we are constantly in relationship—whether with ourselves or others. And one of the biggest areas where trauma and attachment struggles show up is in our relationships. For example, when a couple comes in wanting to work on communication, I understand it’s not just about the skill of communicating effectively. I get curious about their previous relationships and what unmet needs they are trying to communicate; particularly what their nervous system is reacting to. If our logical brain (prefrontal cortex) isn’t even online during an argument, then communication skills are almost useless. It is imperative, then, that we begin to explore the experience, feelings and emotions underneath the reaction.
Doing deep trauma work with our biggest co-regulator sitting next to us, can be such a transformative experience. Imagine finally having that “a-ha” moment with your partner when trying to solve a reoccurring problem—I see it often. Take for example: one partner is constantly yelling at the other to get things done, while the other partner shuts down. Why do we do that? There could be any number of reasons, but it frequently goes back to both having unmet needs and less to do with the actual dishes not getting done. And so, when we finally uncover the root of those needs for both parties, that sensitive, soft spot for us that needs some tender loving care, AND our partner greets us with empathy, understanding and care—wow! It can be so very healing for our nervous system to really be seen. Appropriate co-regulation is absolutely necessary and we can learn to better do that with our partner holding space alongside us.
So, I invite you, whether you have healthy relationship or one that struggles often, to consider couples therapy. To begin to explore how those frustrating moments (not being on same page as the other parent, constantly feeling like your “nagging” (read: unmet need(s)!), lack of physical and/or emotional intimacy (a really common one!)*, or maybe it’s never feeling like you’re actually seen/heard) can be met with deep compassion, empathy and care. These moments give me goosebumps when they happen — and they happen often, when we approach attachment wounds and/or trauma with loving curiosity.
This blog post was written by Dawn Giorno, LSCW—therapist and owner of Dawn Giorno Counseling in the Village of Wauwatosa. She specializes in couples therapy, focusing on trauma, attachment and intimacy in relationships.
*80% of women need to feel emotionally connected in order to want physical intimacy. The opposite tends to be true for men: 80% of men need to feel physically intimate in order to show up on the emotional intimacy front.
